just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Shame - the story of my life.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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