My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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