do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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