we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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