FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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