she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
