My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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