Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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