Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Randomize
