I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
