One girl and one boy is just not enough.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
