We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
no you cant smoke seaweed
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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