I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
