I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
