$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
