Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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