And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
