Walk of Shame. In a state park.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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