if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
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