I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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