someone owes me an orgasm
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize