I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
