Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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