we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
