i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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