It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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