Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
