I'd wear matching sweaters with you
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
