Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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