He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
