Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
