remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I am naked and annoyed.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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