final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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