you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
