Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
