Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
