he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
