True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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