haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
