i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
