Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
