Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
