My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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