I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
