I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
