my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
