Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
