1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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