when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
