Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
