Michael Bay diarrhea
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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