man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
