i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Blood and glitter go together right?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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