someone get that fucking seahorse.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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