Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
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