I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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