I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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