on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
